Elden Ring’s tastiest adversaries, and how we’d prepare them

Elden Ring’s tastiest adversaries, and how we’d prepare them

Foodstuffs are meant to be crafted and consumed in The Lands Between. Many of these are made from herbs you collect along your journey: I often make raisins for Torrent, my good steed, for example. But there are also many kinds of meat loot, which can be turned into an array of tasty snacks. Slaying a deer or sheep might give you a “Sliver of Meat” — combine it with crab eggs (among other items) to get “Invigorating Cured Meat.” Yum! This suggests that, as in many other games, eating Elden Ring enemies is a matter of course.

Naturally, I’ve gone around slaying creatures, with an eye for crafting consumables — since these are helpful in a fight. But it has also made me think: “Hm, I wonder which of these creatures would be worth a little nibble?” The Lands Between are clearly filled with dangerous delicacies, and if I lived there, which ones would strike my fancy? They may not come with their own aromatics (see: Pokémon’s FarFetch’d, who wields a giant leek), but they certainly open a window of possibilities.

Our staff has explored these possibilities, just as we have explored Elden Ring’s vast map. Here are the enemies we’d like to eat. (And vegetarians and vegans, please feel free to navigate away from our carnivorous tastes — Elden Ring is also lush with tasty herbs.)

Giant crab (and the smaller ones too)

The mildest, tenderest meat is typically found in the claw — which is, incidentally, the part of the Elden Ring crab that I have the most familiarity with. The crab likes to thrash its giant claw at me, and as such I know there’s a lot of good stuff in there. –Nicole Clark

Land squirt

Land squirts look an awful lot like the icky eggs in the original Alien. Whenever I think of those eggs, only one thing comes to mind: a delicious spaghetti dinner. Would the land squirt be delicious? Of course not. Nothing in Elden Ring tastes better than a Tupperware of expired cottage cheese left in the sun for the month of July. But at least the land squirt will remind me of the nice pasta meal my astrologer will never get to enjoy. –Chris Plante

The birds what have knives for legs

It’s a meal that comes with its own utensils! Also they are extremely annoying and I bet victory would taste good (and gamey). –Pete Volk

Standing in front of the entrance to Elden Ring Impaler’s Catacombs, flanked by spirit jellyfish, in Weeping Peninsula Image: FromSoftware/Bandai Namco via Polygon

Jellyfish

I would obviously never eat my own summon (the horror), but there are a number of enemy jellyfish in the game, and they would be really good in a cold salad. –NC

Crystal snail

When I first encountered these slimy geodes, I instantly thought about prying them out of their shells with a colossal fork and sautéing them in butter. I just can’t help but feel like once you get through that hard shell, be it glintstone or a giant skull, the snail meat will be chewy and earthy and so satiating. I haven’t enjoyed snail either of the times I’ve eaten it in real life, so I don’t know what has convinced me these would be a satisfying experience. Maybe I’ve been reading too much Delicious in Dungeon, or spent too long trapped in the dark tunnels of Elden Ring. Either way, I’m going to crack those crystals open and slurp one of these snails up like a thick saucy udon noodle. –Jenna Stoeber

Land octopus

The growing cultural awareness around how octopodes are smart as hell has caused me to develop some new feelings about eating them. But the Land Octopus is a cranky, tangled mass of tentacles that doesn’t seem as clever as its underwater cousins, considering how it keeps running into my greatsword. What would be better than charring one of those big tentacles on high heat and covering it with butter? Doing it guilt-free, that’s what. –Chelsea Stark

[Ed. Note: The following is a spoiler for late-game Elden Ring.]

Elden Ring’s hero character, in her early game armor, riding her horse Torrent through Limgrave Image: FromSoftware via Polygon

Elden Beast

Feed me the Elden Beast! The game’s final boss looks like a combination of an eel, a dinosaur, and all the stars in the universe. I would carve a piece off immediately after I killed him, and I would eat it raw. It would result in me either becoming a God or dying instantly, and either way, it would be worth it. –Austen Goslin